Waking to Dreams

Lately I've got a whole lot of dreams. While my dreams do have monsters, crazy ideas, and something a little beyond reality about them, nothing really interesting has been happening while I've been sleeping. Nope, these are my waking dreams.

I have dreams of building a completely new education paradigm for the inner city. I have dreams of every child being loved and cherished for the gift from God they are and each one having a forever family of their very own. I have dreams of one day having a little world just in my own house with adopted or fostered kids from all around the globe. I have dreams of being molded and used by God for something..I'm not positive what yet...but something! I have these crazy dreams in crazy detail that would be totally boring to just type out...but they're swimming around in my head all the time. They have some company too with the monsters. Monsters of the fear of failure, of never even getting to try, of missing something along the way, of settling in lots of areas of life, of nostalgia. Monsters that I unfortunately can't wake from. So, I just keep going and praying that in my dreams God would conquer the monsters and allow me to see what's so much better that he has for me beyond the small world I can see right now. Sometimes that's not fun. Actually a lot of times its not, but I have slowly seen the incredible fruit coming from it!

Patience and Trust are two things God has really been pushing these past couple of years, and when I wait on Him, he always comes through in bigger ways than I could ever dream up in my head. But when I just go with the easy thing that seems like the best option in my stupid head at the time, disaster never fails to be far behind. Seeing this hold true in soo many ways has hammered that lesson home and I definitely hope He's made His point. :) So right now, I am waiting and trusting, waiting and trusting, waiting and trusting, that God has placed these dreams heavy on my heart for a reason and that He has an incredible plan beyond what I can see or dream. I may not be able to do it on my own, but thankfully I wasn't created to!

Isaiah 42:16 Guide me Oh Lord.

I think this blog has kinda become my dream journal and the experiences that come with seeking those out. I pray God never stops burdening my heart for what is on His. 

YOU TOTALLY WANT TO READ THIS BLOG POST

So when I was little my parents let us have birthday parties every other year and when I turned 5 it was one of my party years. It was also the big year my age was A WHOLE HAND! You know... kind of a big deal. I was beyond stoked and when my mom asked me what kind of party I wanted to have, I obviously knew I wanted a surprise cowgirl party. So I told her all the details of my surprise party and she planned for my grandmother to hang out with me the night before my party so I could come home to be "surprised!" Side note...my mom is totally the coolest for indulging my very, very strange requests as a kid. Thinking about it now I have actually laughed out loud. Little kids are soo funny and I wish I could just get in their heads sometimes and watch those wheels turn. Sweet kids who dream up their own surprise parties, play for hours in the room with just a cardboard box, and who "say the darndest things"...these tiny humans have me wrapped around their little finger.

But over 9 million children every year don't make it to their 5th birthday. They don't get to be a whole hand. Every year these sweet babies die from diarrhea, pneumonia, malaria, malnutrition, abuse, abortion, water-borne diseases, and lots of other preventable issues. Some of this happens because mothers are not well educated, other times its a lack of medical care in the country, other times sweet kids are just mistreated. I want to fight for these precious kiddos. This is what drives me to pursue a degree in elementary education and social welfare. This is what drives me to the foster care and adoption systems. This is what drives me to fight for change. This is what breaks my heart. This is what my Abba has formed me to become...A voice for the voiceless. A mother to the motherless. A helper to the helpless. 

Following this call I traveled to Zambia last February and God stretched my heart and vision. I have the opportunity to see even more of his heart as I travel to Kenya this winter. Africa has always had a special place in my heart as well as just kids in general and I cannot believe I have been give this incredible chance to visit this awesome continent again. In Zambia my eyes were opened to real hope, real joy, real love, and real faith. The Zambians I met challenged me to step out in far greater ways for my faith. I cannot wait to see the crazy ways that are going to happen in Kenya too! The hard part..its an expensive trip. And I still need money. The total cost is $3.000 but I know God is going to provide in big ways! I have raised about half, but I only have about 2 months to raise the other half. I would feel super honored if you would prayerfully consider helping me get to Africa. If you can't I totally get that too, but please support me and the rest of the SOS team traveling there through prayer! We can't have too much of that for sure! If you want to hear more details about my trip or my heart for kiddies pretty please text me or facebook me or call me or email me or hey you can even write me a letter! Do whatever you want and I'd ABSOLUTELY LOVE to talk to you!! Seriously this stuff gets me excited so I could at least be some entertainment for a little while! Thanks for reading my crazy blog post :)

IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME GET THERE
DONATE ONLINE: sosmemphis.org/donate   In the designation box type "Kenya-Morgan"
EMAIL: mokadams@gmail.com
CALL/TEXT (901)335-5592
SEND CHECKS TO THIS ADDRESS MADE PAYABLE TO SERVICE OVER SELF:
205 Montelo Rd. Memphis, TN, 38120
FACEBOOK/TWITTER/WHATEVS ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF!

Freshman Fifteen

I'm really bad at blogging consistently...I'm trying to get better and the only way to do that is to start somewhere. And what better place than my newest adventure--College. I've heard its supposed to be all about "finding yourself" or "experimenting" or "figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life." Well..since I find my ultimate identity in Christ and my new self in Him..there's not too much finding or experimenting I want to do and I did the little of that I needed last year in my crazy gap year. I also think I know what I want to do with the rest of my life because Christ has placed a huge weight on my heart for children and a massive passion for education. So I should be ahead of the game right?  NOPE...instead of feeling like I have a better foundation to go on and that I can just relax in this Freshman year, I really just feel more lost right now. Everyone is completely in love with college, but I feel bogged down and like I'm not doing anything I love compared my last incredible year at SOS. I also feel like a duck in a pond of geese because it seems like everyone else is beginning to settle into their niche. People, I officially feel the weight of culture shock. I am back in the world of aimless wandering. I am away from solid community that I love and know I can trust with anything. I'm even sleeping in a new bed that still doesn't feel like "mine" which makes sleeping a whole lot harder. Somehow in this, I have learned a lot. Really, just 15 main things...my freshman fifteen (although, if I keep eating easy mac, there might be another freshman 15 on the way) None of these things are really enlightened or anything, but they have become huge aspects of daily keeping me sane...

1. College is hard but.....
2. My sweet Savior is all I really need to feel at peace
3. When my identity rests in Christ alone, I can take on anything my sorority, professors, or peers throw at me
4. Sometimes I just need to devote a day to doing absolutely nothing but rest in Him
5. Journaling is ESSENTIAL
6. Having a tattoo is the BEST conversation starter ever..even when I don't want to have a real conversation
7. God has impeccable timing...
8. Sometimes it doesn't feel like God has incredible timing
9. A good long run takes the weight of the world off my shoulders
10. Without prayer, I wouldn't last a second around here
11. "Roll Tide" 
12. Great roommates are the key to a great year
13. Never actually meeting my RAs was possibly the best decision of my life
14. God provides in amazing ways only He can when I actually just trust Him
15. Feeling lost is when God finds me

So that is what I know. Its not very much for now, but its the little I have to go on and I'll see where Christ takes me with that. I don't want to waste these next few years in Bama, so I am praying God gives me incredible opportunities when I least expect them. He's cool like that.

Isaiah 42:16 Guide me Oh Lord.

My Dream

Tonight, God decided to push me back toward my dream and give me no choice but to fight to see it come to fruition. This post is not about Zambia. This post is me expressing my big dreams, and knowing that if I put it out here, then someone will ask me about it and if I am making progress on it. Because I didn't want to be held accountable to it, I haven't really put it out there, but after the knot in my stomach tonight, I just have to! After reading this you may have a better understanding as to why posting about Zambia is so stinkin hard for me though! Ok, I know its kinda lengthy so if you chose to read it all...happy reading :)

I was reminded that I am not living in an easy place. I am not saying at all that Binghamton is a more "missional" place to live than anywhere else, but tonight I was reminded that it is not an easy place. I was chillin in my room, just winding down about to pop out the contacts when I heard a little commotion outside. Now, this isn't unusual, and "domestic disturbances" are unfortunately not a rarity around the neighborhood, so it honestly didn't shock me. I heard Brian move around upstairs and thought he was just heading down to make sure there wasn't something he needed to intervene in. But then I distinctly heard a cry for help. And that froze me. I didn't know what to do or if I should do anything at all. I could hear Brian running down the steps, probably skipping some, and the front door was thrown open. Still, I was frozen in my room. Frozen because that scream was so heartbreaking, because I didn't know the situation, because I didn't want to be in the way, but mostly because I was terrified. I wasn't scared for my own safety, but scared to find out what was actually going on. I don't know why, but actually becoming involved in whatever capacity I would if I walked out of my room glued my feet in place. After a quick prayer for strength, courage, and compassion, I walked out of my room to find the most adorable little boy standing in the Crenshaw's living room with tears in his big brown eyes. The details of his story are not mine to give, but in the few minutes I spent with him, he stole my heart. His sweet voice, smile, and laugh melted me down to my core. In a simple conversation about his favorite superhero, Batman, he had me in the palm of his hand. Kids have always been able to wrap me around their fingers in a heartbeat, this little boy was no exception. This sweet child had done nothing wrong, but his family was broken. He was living in a hard place. He was being robbed of an innocent childhood everyday by the choices his parents made, and he was being set up for failure.

For the past few years, as I have become more involved with orphans internationally and foster children here in the states, I have come back again and again to the realization that these children are being deprived daily of a real childhood. It has been stolen from them by nothing they did, no choice they made, no relationship they had.These sweet kiddos may never know what it feels like to sit on their Daddy's lap while he tickles them even when they say no and their sides hurt from laughing, they may never know the sweet smell of their Mom in that much needed hug after a long day at school, and they may never know that they are loved by a Heavenly Father who is not broken. Now, I am fully aware that we can't just make the orphan and broken family problem go away. I know this is part of a broken world and that its not going anywhere. But, every time I look deep into the wounded eyes of a child who is in these situations, I sure wish it would just all go away.

This should be the face of childhood...
not sadness, tears, and cries for help

Well, protection for that child in America usually looks like the foster care system. That system that can be helpful if an unfit parent needs a little while to get things together and then hopes to regain custody of his children. It can also be great for kids who just haven't been adopted. But I actually think its TERRIBLE. Yes it seems like a necessary evil to allow kids a better chance, but I have this BIG dream that there is a better way. I have no idea what it is, and it may just be a revamped foster care system, but this is the dream God has given me. I do not at all claim to know that there is any other way or that the work of the foster care system is horrible. But my encounters have not been good. On a home visit I went on with SOS back in November, we went to a house that was being used for foster care. In this house, there was not really enough room for the original family much less two foster children. And obviously, if SOS was checking the house out, it wasn't in great shape. The woman who was the foster mother was living with her drug dealer boyfriend and her oldest son was in and out of jail for possession...I mean this just doesn't sound like a great environment to place a child in who has already been through more than anyone should be put through. (This was not my only bad run-in with the system. I know that there are great foster parents out there who love their kids like their own, but they seem so few and far between.) This illustrates my main problem with the system--it robs these children. They have already been taken away from their parents, whether by state mandate or parental choice, and now they will be bounced around from home to home, with no guarantee they will ever be placed in a loving home with supportive parents. In Isaiah 1:17, we are called to defend the oppressed and take up the cause of the fatherless. These children are oppressed and fatherless, and they need a defender. I don't know how, but I will create change. That's my big dream.--that children should have broken toys, not hearts. Because seeing a child in pain hits me so hard, it has been extremely difficult for me to put into words what I saw in Zambia. But, as I continue to pray through those experiences, and share my dreams and thoughts with others, it becomes easier, and I get closer to where God wants me to best use me. Please pray for this neighborhood, specifically for the kids. Broken families are the norm, and these kids see too much for their young years.

Give me words to speak

I have rewritten this post about a million times, but here's what I've decided to actually put out there. Because I can't do it justice in one post over the next couple of weeks I'm actually going to go through what all happened on my trip. So, let me start out with a big fat THANK YOU to everyone who supported my trip, whether through prayer or financially, I am so beyond thankful. I know this is a bit belated, but I think I have finally fully processed everything I saw, experienced, and felt while I was away, so now I actually feel like I can maybe put it into words. My trip to Africa was such a whirlwind of emotions. At times I just wanted to break down and cry, and others I never wanted to leave my precious little kiddos. I haven't even attempted to blog yet because I wasn't ready to revisit and process the emotions I felt there. I don't even know where to begin and I know that my words cannot even begin to really show you guys what I experienced...but here goes anyway!

Every Night, Every Day

I find that I have nothing I can say

So I stand here in silence

Awaiting your guidance

I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard

Let them be Your words

So first of all God really did some major work on my heart through every part of this crazy trip. He started stretching me from the beginning when He put together every detail of this trip so expertly (details in my first post) and just has not stopped. I mentioned before that I do not like to be alone....well, I didn't before I went to Africa anyway. I didn't like it because it forced me to stop, slow down, and actually realize how inadequate I am. I like to think I can somehow do enough to be enough, but when I am still and quiet and alone, that all comes crashing down. So God decided to put me on a trip alone for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. Talk about pulling me out of my comfort zone! In Africa, even when I was with people, I felt alone. In crowded airports with crazy noise and people everywhere, I felt alone. With sweet little children who stole my heart from day one and who brought me to my knees in tears at night, I still felt alone. It was my worst nightmare. But little did I know, God was using it. He was using it BIG TIME for His glory. In the midst of my inadequacy and selfishness and neediness that I had to battle to keep my mind off of myself and on the precious kids at Mercy, He was using me and stretching me and forming me in this awesome mold that I just could not see. So while I would lie awake at night wishing I was home, but at the same time never wanting to leave Mercy Ministries, He was shaping my heart and showing my INCREDIBLE need for HIM. I went to Zambia alone, but assuming that the people I was meeting there and the kids I would be loving on would fill that gap. I assumed texts from friends and sweet talk time with my family would fill the gap. I assumed I would be just fine. God broke me of that. He was proving that nothing on this earth could fill like only He could. He was showing me that I have no need for anything but his grace, mercy, and love. Not other people, not noise, not a busier schedule, nothing more than Him. He did such a huge work in my life through those feelings in two weeks and I didn't even realize it until now. I have begun to treasure my time simply being still with God. I seek out time to just be with Him. I really see now that I am nothing and I love it! I am "calloused, bruised, dazed, and confused, but my spirit is left wanting something more", and I would not ever trade that "nightmare" for anything. That nightmare brought me to my knees before God and showed me my need for Him that I tried so desperately to fix. I LOVE IT! I mean I would have told you before Africa that I knew I needed God, but not the way I know now. I just..man, its so cool that God knows what He's doing! Haha So this is the first thing I wanted to get out there. In the next posts I will go into more Zambian things...so you'll just have to keep reading to get the good stuff :) 

NATHAN WOKE UP

This morning, Nathan actually woke up! Big fat miracle. His eyes tracked light IN SYNC and even though he is still on a ventilator, he is taking breaths on his own. He has been off pain medicine for a while, and it was obvious that while he was unconscious he was in a lot of pain, so hopefully now he will get more meds and continue to recover. He is still in ICU, and is being watched carefully, which is so awesome!!This sweet little boy has been fighting super hard, far beyond any of us imagined. Please continue to pray for his health and his parents. We still do not know if there is any brain damage, and his parents are still enduring a crazy situation. One of Janet's doctor friends is going to visit him sometime this week and then hopefully I'll have more details to give. Thank you all so much for keeping him in your prayers!! God is so good and the ultimate healer!!

Nathan was put on a respirator today... he is a fighter! PLEASE KEEP PRAYING!!