Give me words to speak

I have rewritten this post about a million times, but here's what I've decided to actually put out there. Because I can't do it justice in one post over the next couple of weeks I'm actually going to go through what all happened on my trip. So, let me start out with a big fat THANK YOU to everyone who supported my trip, whether through prayer or financially, I am so beyond thankful. I know this is a bit belated, but I think I have finally fully processed everything I saw, experienced, and felt while I was away, so now I actually feel like I can maybe put it into words. My trip to Africa was such a whirlwind of emotions. At times I just wanted to break down and cry, and others I never wanted to leave my precious little kiddos. I haven't even attempted to blog yet because I wasn't ready to revisit and process the emotions I felt there. I don't even know where to begin and I know that my words cannot even begin to really show you guys what I experienced...but here goes anyway!

Every Night, Every Day

I find that I have nothing I can say

So I stand here in silence

Awaiting your guidance

I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard

Let them be Your words

So first of all God really did some major work on my heart through every part of this crazy trip. He started stretching me from the beginning when He put together every detail of this trip so expertly (details in my first post) and just has not stopped. I mentioned before that I do not like to be alone....well, I didn't before I went to Africa anyway. I didn't like it because it forced me to stop, slow down, and actually realize how inadequate I am. I like to think I can somehow do enough to be enough, but when I am still and quiet and alone, that all comes crashing down. So God decided to put me on a trip alone for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. Talk about pulling me out of my comfort zone! In Africa, even when I was with people, I felt alone. In crowded airports with crazy noise and people everywhere, I felt alone. With sweet little children who stole my heart from day one and who brought me to my knees in tears at night, I still felt alone. It was my worst nightmare. But little did I know, God was using it. He was using it BIG TIME for His glory. In the midst of my inadequacy and selfishness and neediness that I had to battle to keep my mind off of myself and on the precious kids at Mercy, He was using me and stretching me and forming me in this awesome mold that I just could not see. So while I would lie awake at night wishing I was home, but at the same time never wanting to leave Mercy Ministries, He was shaping my heart and showing my INCREDIBLE need for HIM. I went to Zambia alone, but assuming that the people I was meeting there and the kids I would be loving on would fill that gap. I assumed texts from friends and sweet talk time with my family would fill the gap. I assumed I would be just fine. God broke me of that. He was proving that nothing on this earth could fill like only He could. He was showing me that I have no need for anything but his grace, mercy, and love. Not other people, not noise, not a busier schedule, nothing more than Him. He did such a huge work in my life through those feelings in two weeks and I didn't even realize it until now. I have begun to treasure my time simply being still with God. I seek out time to just be with Him. I really see now that I am nothing and I love it! I am "calloused, bruised, dazed, and confused, but my spirit is left wanting something more", and I would not ever trade that "nightmare" for anything. That nightmare brought me to my knees before God and showed me my need for Him that I tried so desperately to fix. I LOVE IT! I mean I would have told you before Africa that I knew I needed God, but not the way I know now. I just..man, its so cool that God knows what He's doing! Haha So this is the first thing I wanted to get out there. In the next posts I will go into more Zambian things...so you'll just have to keep reading to get the good stuff :)